because

im so stupid

ever since macau, ive been haunted by ‘what did i do to deserve this?’ though i have to admit that i selfishly only apply this to myself, and not to the people around me. ie. walk in their shoes and think about how unfairly i was treating them. specifically, my dad.

ok i will really try to be nice. i have been, but at times when i cant get my point across, i get defensive and aggressive. not good.

yesterday night, after a short 10 mins, i walked out feeling all my efforts have gone to naught. i took it to my stride. i understood. yet, a part of me felt that i was an innocent party who stumbled into a shit hole. i couldnt help but feel angry too. with myself, with everyone else. albeit sensing the hostility over the phone, i still insisted, thinking that things arent that bad.
i should have stuck to my initial plans. so yep. no more next time.

and while i was trying to convince myself that you’re having a bad day, the next thought that came was, everyone has bad days. i have my share of bad days but at least i make an effort to be nice. so….

what did i do to deserve this?

i think you have to know that, im no longer like before. i can be nice, but i dont push it anymore. morning blues and not entertaining on the train? thats fine, i stopped trying to have train meets anymore.