i know i will miss my scope, as well as the people who are on my side and supporting me. when i told them i was leaving, many understood my situation, but at the same time, felt that it was a pity. really feel very loved that being said, i just hope he can finally realise how great the people who left have been, and how this new team will collapse. Q says we have to 积点口德 so we shall stop here.

at the end of yesternight, very mixed feelings. i feel ashamed that the wall built up again, albeit subconsciously and without me noticing. i dont know what to do about it, how to go about solving it. all i can say, is that i will try not to make that happen again. and this can probably only work, when we have such occasions again. i dont think you will want to be caught in the same situation again. so damn. we are back to square. we are only good if its just the two of us. but sadly, this whole thing, is bigger than that.

nonetheless, GD and TOP got me screaming and hyperventilating.

just kinda wish things were better. i will try but i hope you do too.

當一個女人身陷情海愛對方勝過自己時，我想在這場愛情遊戲中她就已經注定輸場了，因為….她已經把決定權交給男方。
男人們….若是發現身邊有個這麼愛你的女人，千萬記的要好好珍惜她，倘若連這麼愛你的女人你都不知道珍惜的話，我想……你應該會抱憾終生喔！

朋友说了一句话：didn’t he realise that your disappointment will be greater than his?

我愣住了。 The issue which I’ve been trying to fathom, finally came to light.
Been trying to figure out WHAT exactly I am upset over. The fact that the email got into the wrong hands? You not supportive of my decision? Myself going to be unemployed soon? WHAT?!

I accept all criticisms and I allow others to say their views. I like to hear what people have to say, but. There should be a limit as to HOW MUCH should be said. My disappointment did not come from the fact that you are not supportive of my decision. Rather, it was the way you said it. Loud and clear. And how dare you compare me to another person, when I needed you the most at such a crucial time. You are the first person I told, the first I seeked SOS. You can reject my SOS, but how dare you tell me because unlike your date, I am a disappointment. What right do you have, to call me a disappointment.

I think you have no fucking idea how the words have resonated in my head over the last two days. That to you, all I am is a disappointment. Thank you for trampling on whatever leftover pride I have. Even as a close friend, you did not respect me for who I am.

When you needed comfort, 我放纵你; 任劳任怨，任你宰割.只有鼓励，安慰.

Regardless of how much you have hurt me, how much excuses you’ve given over the lack commmitment, I have NEVER used the word disappointed on you before. And we’re talking about when you’ve hurt ME. I grit my teeth, take a deep breath and change the topic. But there has to be a limit to what I can accept.

I accept that you are your individual, you think in your own manner. Sad to say, the way you have put it across is much more than what I can bear. At that instant when I needed a comforting hug, you killed me.

No doubt I still need to seek solace. I’m just not sure if it’s you anymore.

im back with a tan and my back is burning as i speak. but i think im not the worst yet because… jj is redder than me a gazillion times and the aloe vera gel is with yours truly. GYM bless that chap.
we missed the night walk (missed as in, didnt do) and neither did do the star gazing. it was a shame to say the least but im sure there’s still more of such trips to come, just eating, sleeping, heading to the beach, picking shells, having piggybacks out at sea. so lazy, so simple, with no mindfucks, no lies. just alot of laughter and being genuinely happy. and of cos, no work shit. bliss. im in bed by 8pm and we’ll watch telly or read the papers till 10ish before i doze off while watching some rerun or sorts. and someone will tuck me in, remove my glasses and switch off all the lights before climbing into bed.
i really like that because things are simple and nice. i like being plain old nice. nice is good.

so now while im typing this in bed with the lights out, i kinda wish there’s someone beside me who can help me turn Macmac off after i doze off while typing. but uh-uh. fat chance.

okie just did so i’ll leave the concert stuff till the next time.

damn still havnt buy the macbeth tickets for saturday~~~

<3

the presents oh the presents =DD

ever since macau, ive been haunted by ‘what did i do to deserve this?’ though i have to admit that i selfishly only apply this to myself, and not to the people around me. ie. walk in their shoes and think about how unfairly i was treating them. specifically, my dad.

ok i will really try to be nice. i have been, but at times when i cant get my point across, i get defensive and aggressive. not good.

yesterday night, after a short 10 mins, i walked out feeling all my efforts have gone to naught. i took it to my stride. i understood. yet, a part of me felt that i was an innocent party who stumbled into a shit hole. i couldnt help but feel angry too. with myself, with everyone else. albeit sensing the hostility over the phone, i still insisted, thinking that things arent that bad.
i should have stuck to my initial plans. so yep. no more next time.

and while i was trying to convince myself that you’re having a bad day, the next thought that came was, everyone has bad days. i have my share of bad days but at least i make an effort to be nice. so….

what did i do to deserve this?

i think you have to know that, im no longer like before. i can be nice, but i dont push it anymore. morning blues and not entertaining on the train? thats fine, i stopped trying to have train meets anymore.

On hindsight, I think I can. I’ve handled it well till now. Stuck to the ground rules stated and mentioned clearly.

Maybe too disciplined. Today my first reaction was to withdraw my hand. I didn’t have to even THINK abt it. And then the follow up qns, once more asking if I’m sure I wanna have a shot at the opening. ‘people may talk’ was the reason given. Hell yes people will talk. I deliberated.

My motto for the past few years have been the same. As long as I’m happy. I just can’t seem to find the path that leads to that lately. Maybe I have taken things too much for granted that I’ve overlooked all the small things which I’m sposed to be thankful and happy for.

We need to reset and steer the directions to the right path.

After all the action, winding down the day with a movie that I can relate to big time sounds most ideal. It talked abt setting ground rules. But eventually after a long long time, they realised how silly they’ve been all these while.

It’s stupid to hope but at least, that’s something positive and a happily ever after.

That nagging pain, it just wouldn’t go away today. Its almost like I’ve found my long lost friend. Forgotten but such familiarity, such.. pain.

its just so tiring to be constantly mad, irritated and complaining. but i really cannot help it. every day i tell myself to stop. and i know i will soon. not because i quit, but rather, im just sick of complaining that i stop doing that.

just like how i used to complain about being in this sticky friendship.

i still am in a rut by the way. but that’s beside the point.

im finally writing bcos i saw a post specially dedicated to me, dated 18 april, wishing me happy birthday.
and i quote her ” And probably, even if I post this 3 months later, saying Happy Birthday to you, you probably won’t bother cause you know how I am like and how I keep things going.”
she’s damn right. i thank those who remember this day and took the trouble to organise a party, some sort of celebration, a text… anything. but if there’s nothing, i wouldnt be angry, upset or disappointed. so yes, i dont really care except that.. i was really worried when she didnt text me. not for anything else but the mere fact that she must have died, or emo-ed big time that she didnt care about the world anymore. and that’s pretty scary.

anyways im cool. i had a quiet birthday this yr. last yr was too haps already so this yr decided to tone it down just a wee bit haha. im thankful for all the well wishes. they have been received with loads of love.

just kinda wish that im not caught in this cliche quarter life crisis but well. life goes on. the job hunt goes on. hahah.

oh and for record, it took 3 yrs for the pain to subside. so GYMBY, you still have tons to go. but we’ll hold onto each other like lifelines and seek emergency solace when the need arise. you know im here and i know you are. much love.

某: 不知道C君长的什么样？
某: 为什么要看这部片？看起来不怎么好看。。。
某: 为什么要去 bintan？你因该考虑 krabi。 我觉得比较好玩。。。
某: 你觉得这样好吗？你在说真心话吗？真的可以吗？
某: 你都没有听他的歌还要去听他的演唱会。。。

我是个随性子，所以不怎么会去在乎芝麻绿豆。只要大家玩得开心，只要我的付出值得，我都可以接受。有时虽然有自己的主意，但还是会默默地把它们往肚子里塞。不是因为变得没有主见，而是因为想让对方更开心。可是，因为自己愚昧的主张，带来了很多后遗症；变得没有把自己放在第一顺位，变得爱自己的部份给遗失了。更重要的，是让对方感到负担。

晚上10点30分- 看着坐在身旁朦胧的身影，心里涌上了一个该死的念头。直接地说，就是等于把其他的门都关上了。
凌晨12点- 身影不再朦胧，但却遥远了许多。一句严厉的警告仿佛在提醒着我，要更爱自己多一些；不要把其他的门关上。

我，越了界限。我，犯规了。

我，一个星期一次。。。要求。。。太苛刻了。

就像上个月一样。。。碎了。

值得庆幸的是，没有分享那该死的念头。所谓热泪盈眶，今天感受到了。

游戏规则定了那么久，因该早就习惯了。